Lost and Found

***Author's Note: This is entirely satire. This is stupid and means nothing. Names used are simply coincidences. ***

Once upon a time, on a remote island off the shores of Florida, lived a young girl named Whitney. She was a tall, slender young woman with a mind that could outsmart even the wisest philosopher. Whitney, however, was blind. She could not see a soul, flower, cat, orangutan, chicken fried steak or annoying politician. She could only hear the rush of the waves, and her own voice as she sat alone on the shores of Wallawallawichawa.
"Oh how lonely I am. I can't even tell if anyone is around me. There could be someone ten paces behind me and I would never know. Or perhaps, a wild animal could spring up unnoticed and eat me!" Whitney gasped. But nothing ever did spring up and eat her. Nothing wanted to. You see, Whitney had been alone on this remote island eating shrubberies for a year. She never saw how she looked, she got used to her own stench and she was so green from only eating leafy greens that she looked like a shrubbery herself.
"What am I going to do? Oh my, what am I going to do? I'm alone and hungry."
Suddenly, as if an answer to her moans, an enormous bang erupted behind her. Whitney turned around to see what it was, but alas, she could not see. All she could hear was crackling fire and the smell of smoke. The heat from the fire was coming closer to her, and she new she must run away. But where? All she knew were the confines of the little circle in which she had lived for year. If she ran one way, she might run straight into the ocean and she couldn't swim. If she ran the other way, she could run straight into the grasp of a wild animal. If she ran the other way, she could run straight into the fire and become surrounded. All seemed lost to Whitney. How could she possibly survive?

"Ouch! Let go!" Whitney screamed. A hand had suddenly grabbed her around the wrist and started to pull her.
"Where are you taking me? Let go! Don't you hear the fire?"
The thing that was pulling her wrenched harder and Whitney almost fell. They ran through the sand and into what felt like a cave. The ground was wet and soggy and the air smelled of low tide.
"Where am I?" wondered Whitney allowed, but there was no answer. Whitney stood in the cave wondering what was going to happen to her. Was this some wild beast that had drug her into its home to feed her to its young? The hand that had dragged her so far pushed her down and stuck something in her mouth. Whitney tried to spit it out, but the object was soft and squishy; not something that is easily removed from one's mouth. Whitney's tongue brushed over it. The sensation was strong, almost overpowering. What was this amazing taste? It's sweet, soft texture. Whitney began to chew. She remembered the taste from when she was a small child and her father would take her to the local bakery to get a donut every morning. Why did this creature shove a donut into her mouth? When she was finished chewing, Whitney demanded, "who are you?" But there was no answer.
"I know you are there. Answer me. I demand to know why you drug me halfway across this island into a dank, wet cave." And then Whitney remembered. The fire. The smoke. This, thing, saved her.
"You...you saved me. Who are you?" Still no answer.
"Why won't you talk to me?" Still no answer.
"Please, I'm alone and I haven't had anyone to talk to in a year. You are the only person I have met on this God forsaken island." Still no answer.

Whitney broke down into furious sobs. She was still alone. Her rescuer may have saved her from the licks of the dancing flame, but it hadn't saved her from her lonesomeness. Here, with a donut in her mouth, away from the danger, she was more afraid and alone than she had ever been. Whitney had been abandoned on this island when she took a boat tour with her boyfriend Paul. She had wondered into the trees to use the bathroom, when the tour boat left without her. Whitney called out to the people on the boat, but no one answered. Not even Paul. Surely they would come looking for her. Of course, Paul would notice she wasn't on the boat with him and would come back to get her. She stayed in the same spot hoping that another tour boat would arrive soon, but nothing ever came and Whitney was alone. Whitney continued sobbing, hard wrenching sobs that made the heart hurt. She laid down in the mud and tried to fall asleep, but sleep would not visit her. After a while, a hand rested on her shoulder. Not the same forceful hand that had drug her across the island or the one that shoved a donut in her mouth. This hand was tender and warm. It firmly stroked her shoulder and down her arm. Up and down. Up and down. Until finally Whitney's eyes closed and she drifted off to sleep.

The next morning Whitney was furiously shaken awake.
"Wha-what? Who's there?!" Whitney grunted, "What do you want?"
Again, the person never answered her.
"Why won't you speak to me?"
In answer to this, the person dropped a large metal something in Whitney's lap.
"What is this?" Whitney asked, "What, not another donut?"
Whitney felt around and discovered that this metal thing was a plate and it actually had food on it. Whitney didn't know what to make of this person. It was keeping her alive, but it wouldn't speak or interact with her at all. What if it was waiting to kill her? What if she was actually a hostage? She shoved these thoughts out of her head. She was, after all, starving. Whitney scarfed down the food. She had never eaten anything so delicious. It was hot. It wasn't shrubbery!
"This is really good! Is this bacon? And eggs? Oh my, and there's a biscuit!"

After she was done eating, the person took her hand and led her to the entrance of the cave. They walked down to the shore and stood there for a long time just listening to the wave. Whitney felt the person leave her side and quickly come back. He placed something in her hand. Since everything else he placed in her hand was food, she assumed, this must also be food. She took it up to her mouth, bit down, and shrieked in pain. It was a shell. Whitney heard a snort of laughter beside her. "So he does respond," she thought. The person took her hands and brought them and the shell up to her ear.
"I hear the ocean," Whitney commented.
The person then took her hands and rubbed them over the shell.
"It's so bumpy!" commented Whitney.
Then the person took her hand and stuck it inside the shell and made her feel the smooth inside.
"It feels beautiful. I wish I knew what it looks like. Can you describe it to me?" Still no response. "I will make this person talk," thought Whitney.
The person then took her inside the trees. They walked a short distance inside and stopped. Whitney could smell the wet earth and hear the twittering birds. Inside the trees, the sun hardly made it through, so Whitney began to shiver in the light breeze. The person put his arm around her shoulders and continued to walk. When they stopped again, the person took her hands and cupped them around something small and soft. Slowly and tenderly, the person lifted her hands to her nose. The pollen tickled her nose and she began to sneeze. The person let out another snort of laughter.

Whitney inhaled the scent of the flower and let herself float in it's magic. How could something smell so beautiful. The soft, tender petals made her feel so big and rough in their tender delicacy. She allowed the petals to graze her cheek and engulf her in the aroma again. Whitney looked in the direction of the person and asked, "these are such beautiful things. Thank you for showing them to me. After a year here, I never knew that there were so many wonderful things to experience on this island." No answer.
"You still won't talk. You save me. You feed me. You sleep beside me. You show me the time of my life, and yet you will not say one word to me. How shall I know your name?" Whitney said, "I better go. The tour boat might come back."
Whitney shoved past the person and started walking back the way they came. She walked quickly and angrily, and then ran headfirst into a tree. Whitney fell to the ground and rubbed the forming goose-egg on her forhead. She heard pounding feet behind her and strong arms lifting her up and hoisting her on his shoulder. They hobbled out of the trees together and stopped at the edge of the clearing. The person turned Whitney so she was facing him and he took her hand. First, he touched her eyes with her hand. Then he touched both of his ears with the same hand. Whitney sat in silence for a second while the person repeated his proceedure. Finally, Whitney understood. The person was deaf. He took her hand, and placed it on his chest, then to her eyes, and then to her chest. Again he repeated it until Whitney proclaimed, "You've been watching me." He then took her hand again, placed it on her lips, then on his. Whitney immediately knew what it meant, he wanted to kiss her. Whitney shook her head no, and turned around to face the ocean. She could feel the heat of the sun and ocean breeze blow her long hair around. The person came closer to her and placed the same flower from the trees into her hair. The aroma pasted over her and intoxicated her mind. She felt weak in the knees. Then a firm hand tilted her head upward, and lightly kissed her lips. Whitney started to back away, but then she fell into it. They kissed faster, harder. Whitney had never experienced anything quite like it. She was floating in the clouds as the sweet ocean breeze lifted her to heaven. When they parted, Whitney panted, "Who are you?"
The Person took her hand, and wrote P...A...U...L.

Man Vs. Woman

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Stephanie. She was so beautiful that all of the princes in the world came to seek her hand in marriage. The king, however, hated men. Why would he allow his beautiful daughter to be handed over A MAN!? The king sat and sat thinking how he could possibly stop his daughter from ever marrying. Especially to a man. A woman, maybe, but men...ugh! He decided to lock her in the tallest tower in the highest room with the ugliest hand maiden.
"I'm only doing this because I love you," explained the king when Stephanie asked him why he was doing this to her. The king, Paul, hated torturing his daughter so, but if this meant she was safe from the grasp of men, then he was happy.

Stephanie sat in her lonely room with her hand maiden, Whitney, weeping and moaning at the injustice that her father has put her through.
"Oh Whitnex, why, oh why does my father hate me!?"
"Oh mith-tress, he doeth not hate y-y-y-ou!"
"Yes he does, why else would he lock me in the tallest tower?"
"I have an idea!" exclaimed Whitney.
"What? Oh do tell me!"
"I am th-ecretly a withch! I will catht a thpell on y-y-y-ou and it will only make you like WOmen!"
"Whitney, that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard."
"But if you only like WOmen, y-y-your father would let you go becauthe you would not want a min."
"What's a min?"
"A min! A min! The reathon y-y-you are up here!"
"Oh, a MAN."
"Yesh. Tho, what do y-y-you think?"
"If it's the only way out...then yes, I'll do it."
And like a flash, Whitney the Witch was flapping her arms, twisting this way and that, and POOF! Stephanie was engulfed in a cloud of smoke.

When the smoke cleared, Stephanie looked down to find that nothing had changed.
"Tho, how do y-y-you feel?"
"I don't feel any different."
"Well, do y-y-you find me attractive?"
"Nobody, guy or girl would find you attractive."
Suddenly, Stephanie felt something in the pit of her stomach. It boiled inside of her. Something steamy. Something hot. This was it, she thought, the spell worked! When she was about to open her mouth to exclaim that the spell had worked, she let out a sound like that of a car backfiring. The belch was so loud and powerful, she blew down the wall in her room.
"Oh dear, I mutht have u-thed the wrong thpell. I think I u-thed the gath thpell."
Stephanie picked herself up off the ground and began to scream and the stupid witch.
"You idiot! You didn't make me not like men, you turned me into one!"
"I'm thorry, I'm thorry, I'm thorry!"
"I should throw you out that hole right now, but unfortunately I need company so I don't go insane...Wait! Do you hear that? What is that?"
"I'm thorry, I'm thorry, I'm thorry!"
"Shut up and listen!"
"I'm thorry, I'm thorry, I'm thorry!"
"Whitnex if you don't can it right now I'm going to punish you."
"THORRY!!!!"
When Whitney finally shut up, Stephanie heard the most beautiful siren song she had ever heard. She looked to and fro, but couldn't find the source of the beautiful music. When she stuck her head outside of the hole in the wall, she saw a little cricket playing a kazoo.
"Why little bug, are you making that beautiful music?"
"Si, seniorita. I am here to bring you tidings of great joys and prettinesses. You see, back in my country of Mexico, I played my kazoo in a mariachi band for a beautiful princessa like yourself. However, she did not like mi musica, and she said she would step on me. So I am here, to rescue you and your pet cow and take you to the rio where music is played. El rio de la musica."
"So, bug, you want me to go with you to El rio de la musica so you can play music for me?"
"Si."
"Oh...okay."
So Stephanie and Whitney hopped out the hole in the wall and began to travel with the bug and his rather large kazoo. They walked far into the dark woods where there are many monsters, and even worse, men.
"Little bug little bug, you have not told me your name."
"My name? My name is Guido Alberto Ernesto Jueves Guardo Montiego Gonzalez III. But all of my friends call me GUIDO."
"Oh Guido, thank you so much for rescuing me. What would have ever done without you."
"Well my seniorita, you would have died, but that's not even half as bad as being stuck with that cow of yours. Why don't you just sell her?"
"Cow? What cow? Oh, you mean Whitnex...er...Whitney? She's not a cow, she's my handmade slash witch!"
"At your thervice G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gu-gu-gu-gui-gui-gui-gui-guIdo."
"Como?"
"At your thervice G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g..."
"OK we get it! You will serve him," snapped Stephanie.
Right at that moment and hideous creature popped out from the bushes. It was a mixture between a poodle, a cow, a pig, and an wallaby. She stopped right in front of the group and quacked like a duck. She began pecking, and diving and mooing and dancing and twirling until finally she stopped, and stared at Stephanie.
"Ah...princess," the creature crowed, "what are you doing in these woods so far from your father? I hear he doesn't like men."
"I'm not with any men, so what's it to you."
"You don't know?"
"Know what?"
"That this bug of yours is none other than the handsome prince from Bolivia who was transformed into a bug by ME!"
"Then what happened to you?"
"What do you mean? I attract all the guys this way."
Stephanie turned to Guido and groaned, you told me you were from Mexico. You are not. Why would you lie to me!"
"Because seniorita, I had to find this creature, Linley, so she could turn me back into a man and we could be married. Kiss me mi amor. We can live together forever in happiness and goodness and joyness..."
Stephanie thought and thought. Does she dishonor her father and marry a man? Or does she kiss the bug and be happy for the rest of her life? Stephanie reached down, picked up the bug, and squashed him. The bug let out a terrible scream of horror. She squished him while singing "I'm squishing up a baby bumble bee, won't my momma be so proud of me..."
When she looked down into her hands, she saw that the bug was gone, no where to be found. Then out of no where, the ugly creature Linley lifted up into the air with glitter all around her and became a beautiful french lady.
"Oh Linley, you are beautiful."
"Yes, I am. I'm no longer trapped under that evil spell that the bug put on me. I'm beautiful again!"
"Let's go back to my castle and show my father. I don't think I need a man now," beemed Stephanie. The two ladies embraced and skipped off towards the castle.
When they arrived, Stephanie called for her father, but he never came.
"Father, father! I've returned...I've returned father with a woman!"
A lady, dressed in glitter and gaudy beads strode out with unshaven legs and a 5 o'clock shadow.
"Father? Is that...you?"
"Yes my daughter, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I cringed because I am too a man. So I figured, that if I were to dress like a woman, I would not look as grotesque."
"You look lovely father."

The Two and a half women lived happily ever after.
The End.

*Author's Note* I am NOT gay. I love men. I think they are the greatest thing EVER. I just thought it was funny as it came into my head. I would also like to add that Whitney is not ugly, she is very beautiful and she can talk and Paul is not a cross dresser.

The Mighty Metabolizer

Long ago, in a far away galaxy lived an obnoxious little girl named Linley. The problem with Linley was that she ate, A LOT! She ate so much, that the entire planet went into a famine and the little children looked like stick figures.
"What are we going to do!?" cried the townspeople, "We can't let her stay here, she'll eat us out of house and home...literally!"
Even Linley's childhood pet walrus Paul was feeling the pains of the famine.
"Linley," he said in a deep gravely voice, "I'm hungry. Might I have just little taste of your cookie?"
"I would, but I'm just so hungry. I know I just ate, but...HEY! What's that!?" Linley burst from where she was sitting and ran towards what looked like an enormous ice cream sundae, with cherry and all. As she ran, Paul tried to inch over to her abandoned cookie. As he started to look up, he saw her just about to leap on what was not an ice cream sundae, but a nuclear bomb that was to be shot at their 120th moon!
"No Linley, NO!!!!" shouted Paul, "that's not a..."
BANG! The bomb went off, and the entire city and surrounding mountainsides were flattened. No trees, no buildings, no pretty ornate shrubberies, just a lot of confused people looking around at each other in horror.

Now one of the things that you must understand about the people of this planet is that they are a sturdy people. Not frail like you and I, NO! They are as sturdy as if they were put together with super glue. Like cockroaches I guess you could say. They weren't cockroaches since cockroaches are disgusting and no one likes them. There would be no story if they were in fact cockroaches. No, these people look just like you and I, only sturdier. So the entire world survived this explosion, except the trees, buildings and ornate shrubberies. You get the idea.

"LINLEEEEEEYYYY!" screamed the president of the world, "she did it again. Did you see that? She did it again! We can't keep rebuilding every time her stomach gives her another hallucination!"
A booming voice sounded from no where. Deep and heavy, like thunder, only scarier and no lightning or rain.
"LINLEY...you are hear by banished from this world."
"Wha-what?" stammered Linley.
"You must leave and never return. NEVER! Now GO! And take this stupid walrus with you. He's an insult to animal kind," boomed the voice.
"Now see here," started Paul.
"WHAT?! You dare question me, the great and powerful disembodied voice, you sorry excuse for a mammal!?" screamed the voice, "Go, get out of my sight, I can't look at you anymore."

So Paul and Linley slowly strode towards the nearest intergalactic bus station. She didn't have any bags. She already ate them.
"Boy Paul, this stinks."
"You're telling me!"
"If we just had some food..."
"Food!! Food!!! Is that all you can think about? It's your love of food that got us into this mess in the first place."
"It looked like a sundae. How was I supposed to know that it was actually a ballistic missile aimed to destroy the 120th moon?"
Paul sighed, "where are we going anyway?"
"Who knows, hopefully they have food!"

They rode for days, weeks, maybe even months. By the time they reached any destination, all of the seats, windows, overhead compartments and passengers (except a little green blob named Whitney that she thought didn't look very appetizing). The bus was completely empty except for Paul, Linley and Whitney...oh and the bus driver, but he doesn't come into the story at all.
"Well, since you've eaten everything but the bus...and Whitney, I suppose we should get off here, or you might eat me as well!" groaned Paul.
They hopped off the bus into the clear, bright world of Earth.

"Where are we?" breathed Linley.
"Hmm...by my calculations, it appears we are on a planet inhabited by greenery, water, and crunchy water filled morsels," smacked Whitney.
"Wait a minute, you're hungry too? Have either of you heard of fasting, or dieting, or starving perhaps?"
"I can almost taste 'em. Their watery center with a little crunch around the edges."
"So uh...just out of curiosity, where does it all go? I mean...you're a blob."
"Ah yes...very observant my blubbery friend, I am as you say, a blob," sighed Whitney, "for now at least." And before their very eyes, Whitney stretched and turned and twisted into a beautiful caribou.
"Oh, you look lovely," smacked Linley.
"Hold it Linley, remember...she's a blob."
"Oh yeah..."
"Alright, well Whitney, as much as it pains me, you seem to know your way around here, so you have to be our leader," groaned the walrus.
"Can I just lick her?"
"Yes, I will be your leader! And thus I will lead you. And led you will be...muahahaha!" cackled Whitney.
And off they cantered into the vast city of Brady, TX. As they were coming into the town, Linley made one last groan of hunger.
"I'M SO HUNGRY! Goodbye cruel world, goodbye to all who inhabit it. I barely begun to know thee. Tell my mother I loved her, and my children that their mother did not die in vain. Tell them...tell them to be proud of their dear sweet mummy."
"Okay, first of all, you aren't British so don't say 'mummy'. Secondly, you don't have children. Thirdly, you ate your mother when you were two. And lastly, you are not dying!" snapped Paul, "so just keep walking. Maybe there's a place nearby to eat."
"Yes," thought Whitney, "maybe there is a place to eat."
They came across a pizza parlor full of pizza, and a very handsome young man named Andy Corn. Andy Corn was the most eligable bachelor in Brady. Dashing, witty, and he made the finest pizza this side of the Brazos. When Linley walked into the diner, her whole body melted into a sea of tingles.
"He looks so...tasty," she gasped, "I just want to eat him all up."
"Hold on there Juliet. You don't bite the hand that feeds you, even if you want to eat that hand," Paul corrected.
"Hey! Pets aren't allowed here!"
"Huh?"
"You have to take your pets outside if you want food," Andy called from the counter.
"Pets?"
"Yeah, your caribou and...is that a walrus?"
"Yes, and this walrus has got a name. Got a problem with that?" Paul sneered.
"Good Lordy the great mammal talks."
"Yes, and the caribou does too. I want a large pepperoni, extra cheese on thin crust," Whitney ordered.
"I don't know if I can handle this."
"I feel...faint," groaned Linley.
"Oh...well, hang on, just hang on there now, let me make you a pizza and I'll get you something to drink," Andy hurried into the back and started shuffling around with their order.

As Andy Corn started to bring out their order, Linley zipped over there faster than light, ate the pizza, and sat down before Andy knew what had hit him, or the pizza.
"What the?"
"Mmm...that was good! More more!"
"Okay? I guess I'll go make another one."
When Andy came back out, it wasn't Linley but Whitney who ran to the pizza. Except instead of devouring the pizza, she took it and ran as far away as she could with Linley screaming after her.
"I told you you shouldn't bring pets in here."
Whitney turned back into the hideous green blob and ate the pizza. The pizza oozed down into the depths of her abdomen, or whatever it was, and began to multiply. One after the other, until there were hundreds, thousands, millions of pizzas. They began to flow out of Whitney and onto the street, into houses, buildings and major streets until the entire city was one big pizza buffet. The poor citizens didn't even know what had hit them until Whitney began to grow even more. She grew, tall, wide, and even more disgusting. The towns people tried to scream but they were all trapped under the pizzas. Linley heard the screaming outside and went to check to see what it was. What she saw was the most horrible sight any subhuman has to see. There was a mountain of pizza and on top, an enormous booger. The booger was stomping and roaring. Whitney picked up a human, and CRUNCH, he was gone. And another, CRUNCH! And another CRUNCH!

And ran out, "NOOO! Sarah Corn! That booger ate my wife!!!"
"Wait, you're married??" asked Linley.
"Oh yeah, I have been for a long time, I just try to keep it all hush hush."
"I will save your wife and this little pizza filled town!"
"But how?"
"I must eat...the booger."
And off she ran, chomping the pizza as she went, cutting a path to the enormous mucus monster and her captives. She came to Whitney and all her slimmy glory and was about to take a bite, when she realized, she has muscinex in her pocket! She found it in the vending machine in the pizza shop! Linley through the pills into Whitney and waited. Whitney began to chuckle,
"your little earth pills will not affect me! My ancestors built up an immunity decades ago!"
Linley knew what she must do. This was her purpose. The reason she was born. She took an enormous bite, one by one, and devoured Whitney, including her victims.
"I guess I got a little out of control," smirked Linley.
"That's okay, she was getting on my nerves anyway," smiled Andy, "but how are we going to clean up all this pizza???"
Linley smiled, and in a flash the pizza was gone.
"My word, the pizza is gone! Where did it all go?"
Linley patted her stomach and grinned.
"But you're a twig, not fat at all. You must have a metabolism like the speed of light!"
And off they went with Paul scooting behind them into the sunset. Whenever an evil fiend came to take over Brady, TX, Linley was there to save the day cause she is the
MIGHTY METABOLIZER!!!!