Man Vs. Woman

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess named Stephanie. She was so beautiful that all of the princes in the world came to seek her hand in marriage. The king, however, hated men. Why would he allow his beautiful daughter to be handed over A MAN!? The king sat and sat thinking how he could possibly stop his daughter from ever marrying. Especially to a man. A woman, maybe, but men...ugh! He decided to lock her in the tallest tower in the highest room with the ugliest hand maiden.
"I'm only doing this because I love you," explained the king when Stephanie asked him why he was doing this to her. The king, Paul, hated torturing his daughter so, but if this meant she was safe from the grasp of men, then he was happy.

Stephanie sat in her lonely room with her hand maiden, Whitney, weeping and moaning at the injustice that her father has put her through.
"Oh Whitnex, why, oh why does my father hate me!?"
"Oh mith-tress, he doeth not hate y-y-y-ou!"
"Yes he does, why else would he lock me in the tallest tower?"
"I have an idea!" exclaimed Whitney.
"What? Oh do tell me!"
"I am th-ecretly a withch! I will catht a thpell on y-y-y-ou and it will only make you like WOmen!"
"Whitney, that is the dumbest idea I have ever heard."
"But if you only like WOmen, y-y-your father would let you go becauthe you would not want a min."
"What's a min?"
"A min! A min! The reathon y-y-you are up here!"
"Oh, a MAN."
"Yesh. Tho, what do y-y-you think?"
"If it's the only way out...then yes, I'll do it."
And like a flash, Whitney the Witch was flapping her arms, twisting this way and that, and POOF! Stephanie was engulfed in a cloud of smoke.

When the smoke cleared, Stephanie looked down to find that nothing had changed.
"Tho, how do y-y-you feel?"
"I don't feel any different."
"Well, do y-y-you find me attractive?"
"Nobody, guy or girl would find you attractive."
Suddenly, Stephanie felt something in the pit of her stomach. It boiled inside of her. Something steamy. Something hot. This was it, she thought, the spell worked! When she was about to open her mouth to exclaim that the spell had worked, she let out a sound like that of a car backfiring. The belch was so loud and powerful, she blew down the wall in her room.
"Oh dear, I mutht have u-thed the wrong thpell. I think I u-thed the gath thpell."
Stephanie picked herself up off the ground and began to scream and the stupid witch.
"You idiot! You didn't make me not like men, you turned me into one!"
"I'm thorry, I'm thorry, I'm thorry!"
"I should throw you out that hole right now, but unfortunately I need company so I don't go insane...Wait! Do you hear that? What is that?"
"I'm thorry, I'm thorry, I'm thorry!"
"Shut up and listen!"
"I'm thorry, I'm thorry, I'm thorry!"
"Whitnex if you don't can it right now I'm going to punish you."
"THORRY!!!!"
When Whitney finally shut up, Stephanie heard the most beautiful siren song she had ever heard. She looked to and fro, but couldn't find the source of the beautiful music. When she stuck her head outside of the hole in the wall, she saw a little cricket playing a kazoo.
"Why little bug, are you making that beautiful music?"
"Si, seniorita. I am here to bring you tidings of great joys and prettinesses. You see, back in my country of Mexico, I played my kazoo in a mariachi band for a beautiful princessa like yourself. However, she did not like mi musica, and she said she would step on me. So I am here, to rescue you and your pet cow and take you to the rio where music is played. El rio de la musica."
"So, bug, you want me to go with you to El rio de la musica so you can play music for me?"
"Si."
"Oh...okay."
So Stephanie and Whitney hopped out the hole in the wall and began to travel with the bug and his rather large kazoo. They walked far into the dark woods where there are many monsters, and even worse, men.
"Little bug little bug, you have not told me your name."
"My name? My name is Guido Alberto Ernesto Jueves Guardo Montiego Gonzalez III. But all of my friends call me GUIDO."
"Oh Guido, thank you so much for rescuing me. What would have ever done without you."
"Well my seniorita, you would have died, but that's not even half as bad as being stuck with that cow of yours. Why don't you just sell her?"
"Cow? What cow? Oh, you mean Whitnex...er...Whitney? She's not a cow, she's my handmade slash witch!"
"At your thervice G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-gu-gu-gu-gui-gui-gui-gui-guIdo."
"Como?"
"At your thervice G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g..."
"OK we get it! You will serve him," snapped Stephanie.
Right at that moment and hideous creature popped out from the bushes. It was a mixture between a poodle, a cow, a pig, and an wallaby. She stopped right in front of the group and quacked like a duck. She began pecking, and diving and mooing and dancing and twirling until finally she stopped, and stared at Stephanie.
"Ah...princess," the creature crowed, "what are you doing in these woods so far from your father? I hear he doesn't like men."
"I'm not with any men, so what's it to you."
"You don't know?"
"Know what?"
"That this bug of yours is none other than the handsome prince from Bolivia who was transformed into a bug by ME!"
"Then what happened to you?"
"What do you mean? I attract all the guys this way."
Stephanie turned to Guido and groaned, you told me you were from Mexico. You are not. Why would you lie to me!"
"Because seniorita, I had to find this creature, Linley, so she could turn me back into a man and we could be married. Kiss me mi amor. We can live together forever in happiness and goodness and joyness..."
Stephanie thought and thought. Does she dishonor her father and marry a man? Or does she kiss the bug and be happy for the rest of her life? Stephanie reached down, picked up the bug, and squashed him. The bug let out a terrible scream of horror. She squished him while singing "I'm squishing up a baby bumble bee, won't my momma be so proud of me..."
When she looked down into her hands, she saw that the bug was gone, no where to be found. Then out of no where, the ugly creature Linley lifted up into the air with glitter all around her and became a beautiful french lady.
"Oh Linley, you are beautiful."
"Yes, I am. I'm no longer trapped under that evil spell that the bug put on me. I'm beautiful again!"
"Let's go back to my castle and show my father. I don't think I need a man now," beemed Stephanie. The two ladies embraced and skipped off towards the castle.
When they arrived, Stephanie called for her father, but he never came.
"Father, father! I've returned...I've returned father with a woman!"
A lady, dressed in glitter and gaudy beads strode out with unshaven legs and a 5 o'clock shadow.
"Father? Is that...you?"
"Yes my daughter, every time I looked at myself in the mirror, I cringed because I am too a man. So I figured, that if I were to dress like a woman, I would not look as grotesque."
"You look lovely father."

The Two and a half women lived happily ever after.
The End.

*Author's Note* I am NOT gay. I love men. I think they are the greatest thing EVER. I just thought it was funny as it came into my head. I would also like to add that Whitney is not ugly, she is very beautiful and she can talk and Paul is not a cross dresser.